Try Smiling?
by AureliaVerity
Summary: A closer look on Fai and Kurogane's journey of love and other tragedies they have to face throughout their adventure. Warning: Yaoi content


"Try smiling." The regal man gave the young boy an encouraging curve of the lips in a small attempt to make his life just a little more bearable.

"What?"

"Smile." Two sets of blonde hair covered blue eyes before a slightly strained grin appeared on the boy's face. Ashura's heart pulled at the sight of the young wizard, wanting so much to erase all of the pain that had occurred to the young child and give him some form of happiness.

"Your magic was successful." The king smiled fondly at the confused little boy, raising an arm to hold a mop of blonde hair in a gentle caress. _I am not the one that is able to give him happiness, we must someday part. Until that day comes, I shall try not to hurt you even more than I know I will. Fai, innocent child. I hope one day you shall forgive me. My biggest regret of all though, is that I was never able to help you and I shall be punished for my sins with your absence and shattered feelings for me. Dear son, know that I have always loved you._

"Your smile, Fai, has done much to heal my heart. That is a kind of magic as well." Fai's blue eyes widened, shocked that someone as miniscule as him was able to help someone as great as Ashura with this tiny gesture. Embarrassed, he bowed his head in shyness, "T-thank you …"

_No Fai, thank you._

sSsSs

Fai grieved at the sight of his surroundings; countless scattered bodies ripped and torn in a viscous and spiteful murder. At his foot, a young child lay terribly still, blood slowly coloring her small clothes and the white snow underneath them. Enraged, the wizard ran to the palace, pushing open the great double doors in a silent scream for help.

"I am out to fell that beast! It may take quite a few days, but I will kill it! I can't stand to see more of Seresu's good people die!" He shouted, but what he saw next made him want to scream until his voice went raw.

"If so," the king said in a voice much too calm, "you are saying that you must murder me." The young wizard knew that the image of his king, his father, the only person alive that he loved, standing in a pool of the peoples blood as the terrifying crimson stained his whole body, would never leave his mind. He was smiling at Fai, trying to keep his eyes cold and distant, but the betrayal and intense sorrow that wore the young boys face still made his icy heart crack. _I must do this Fai, as ironic as it seems; I must kill for the sake of you to live._

Fai collapsed to his knees, desperately trying to look away at the former king soaking his feet in cooling blood, but he could not. _Twins? How unfortunate! They are cursed! They will bring death and destruction to us all! Kill Them! The cursed twins! They will corrupt everything they touch! Kill them! _Pupils blown wide, hardly any blue visible, Fai's mind forced the wretched memories back in the corner of his mind. This was his fault; he had brought this misfortune to his new home, to his new father. _They will corrupt everything they touch! _He had destroyed the only person that had cared for him in all of his miserable life. It was his fault. _I want to hate him for doing this! For allowing himself to be corrupted! _Thought Fai, _but I can't. I love him. It is my fault, my fault. I am corrupted. I am a sin._

Ashura stared at Fai from his throne, letting the façade of a ruthless killer slip at the sight of his son internally murdering himself. _He blames himself for this. Silly boy, shall you never learn. There is no such thing as a corrupted child; you are the single shining light in this world of darkness, that is why people will try to kill you, to destroy you. But you must not let them defeat you, you must fight on. Only then can you truly start your life not for the sake of existing, but for the sake of being alive._

"Kill me, complete the promise you made to me all those years ago. The thing that will inflict the most pain on you, if your own kind heartedness. Yui."

His pitiful scream was the last thing Ashura heard before a lulled sleep swept over him. A single thought escaping his mind and invading Fai's in a magical transition: _my son, I love you._

sSsSs

The world they landed in was remote to say the least. The forest seemed to stretch out for miles and there was no sign of human life or any kind of civilization. "I'll go collect some wood, it's getting darker perhaps a nice fire may warm us up hmm?"

"Would you like some help Fai-san?" The mage smiled softly at the young girl, waving his hand with underlying nonchalance, "that's very kind of you princess, but I'll be fine."

The group spread out, Kurogane and Syaoran searching for food while Fai gathered fire wood. Sakura and Mokona tagged along with the two men, hoping that Fai would feel better if he was left alone to his own thoughts for a while. Kurogane made note that Syaoran was collecting firewood, knowing that Fai was probably too troubled to really focus on much and should have some time to himself.

"Chii-san was someone very special to Fai wasn't she?" Sakura asked softly, breaking the silence.

"I appeared so. He was the happiest I've ever seen him when he was with her."

"Do you think it's my fault that Fai went on with us? If he had stayed with Chii-san he would have had a happier life." Sakura asked sadly.

"No princess it wasn't your fault I-"

Kurogane stopped the doomed conversation before it got even more depressing, "It wasn't anyone's fault. We're all on this journey for different reasons and yeah, our goal is to find your memories again but it's also to find something else within ourselves. That's why we're growing, that's why we're still alive. The mage still needs to find it, he's still looking." _Maybe I'm waiting for that special someone as well, that will someday take me away. _

Kurogane cleared his mind of Fai, and the thoughts that were telling him: _you could be that person, the one that takes him away._

Meanwhile the mage had found the end to the forest and was pleasantly surprised with what he saw. It appeared that the group had landed on a huge piece of land in the middle of the ocean. The forest was atop a tall cliff that dropped off into the watery depths. Fai looked out to sea, relishing in the peace of mind it offered him. He closed his blue eyes and washed away all thoughts of Ashura and Chii, much like how the waves swept away the sand far below.

The wind whistled against the leaves on the trees in soft symphonies, the coldness of it not bothering the mage at all. Fai didn't even sense the strong presence approaching from behind him; all he could feel was the gusts of air between his fingers and the serenity of the moment.

Kurogane tried not to stare too hard at the breathtaking sight. He had separated from the kids and Mokona about ten minutes before he found one end of the rainforest and also Fai. The mage stood, swaying ever so slightly with the strong wind, eyes closed peacefully but it still seemed as if he saw something that no ordinary person could. The sea breezes lifted the growing blonde hair up and down in a small tango, while the wizard's long fingers played with the small gusts of wind by his side. Fai's face was peaceful, beautiful, everything about him was beautiful.

Kurogane knew he had not been noticed yet; he tried to look away, feeling as if he was disturbing the serene and rare moment, but he couldn't. Fai's lips curved into a small smile, another thing that took Kurogane's breath away. That was the first act of sorcery the ninja had seen the mage do, for that smile, his true smile was magical.

Slowly and softly, as if approaching a wary gazelle, Kurogane walked up behind the mage. He raised a hand and caressed a cold cheek, never planning on doing anything so bold but having to touch the mage to make sure the thing of beauty was real. _I could be the one to take you away …_

Despite how uncharacteristically gentle the ninja was being, Fai obviously had not seen or heard the ninja approaching and was startled out of his deep trance, nearly toppling off the cliff with an undignified yelp. Kurogane barely had time to catch a flailing thin arm before the mage plummeted to his certain death. The two stared at each other for a while, Fai still leaning dangerously over the cliff blue eyes wide while the ninja held a pale arm not pulling the mage up or letting him go. The taller could feel the erratic pulse emitting from the wrist he held.

A healthy amount of time passed as the two stared at each other before the silence was broken by the breathy laughter Kurogane knew so well, "You better not be contemplating whether you let me fall or not." Fai said with mock seriousness, arching a golden eyebrow at the hesitation in the ninja's eyes.

Kurogane pulled Fai back to safety muttering a lame 'sorry' and quickly letting go of Fai's arm, knowing that he held it for longer than needed. The magician frowned slightly, ducking his head to try and catch a glimpse of the ninja's down cast face.

"You're avoiding them." The blonde said with a playful huff.

"What?"

"My eyes."

Kurogane looked up to see a set of much too enchanting pale blue orbs very close his face, they seemed to dance with different colours and waltz to an unknown song being played in the depths of a blue that was like no other colour in the world. Fai smiled gently, patting his friend on the arm in silent hope, "ah- there's that wonderful red."

Kurogane blinked at the mage before narrowing his eyes in a suspicious stare. This made the mage laugh lightly; reminding Kurogane of wind chimes in a cool breeze. "They really are breathtaking, in all of the world's we've visited I've never seen eyes as red as yours. Hard to believe you aren't some sort of magician as well." Fai sent a playful wink with the last statement at the bemused ninja.

"What does magic have anything to do with eye color?"

Fai was surprised at the lack of 'idiot' or 'stupid mage' in the question, quickly converting his face back into the easy going smile he was so used to, "Why everything Kuro-curious, the more unique eye color; the more likely that the person is capable of wielding magic. You've probably heard of the saying: eyes are the windows to the soul yes? Well, think of it as the soul conveying its magic through its host's only outlet."

The mage was caught off guard at the genuine curiosity in the dark man's features, suddenly at a loss of words, "Ah you'll have to forgive me Kuro-pon, I think the last world we visited is making me a bit nostalgic."

"Don't apologize idiot, it's nice hearing you talk about magic once in a while." Kurogane let a rare smile grace his lips, it was small and looked slightly odd on the usually rough warriors face but it was nonetheless a smile, and it was given to Fai.

Fai felt his face break into a grin that would put the Cheshire cat to shame, his head lost all thoughts that usually tormented him and basked in the ninja's shy quirk of the lips, "would you like to see some?"

Kurogane didn't have time to reply before Fai had taken his large hand into his smaller one and lifted their entwined limbs up to the thick clouds covering the sky. The taller man tried cursed the quickening pace of his heart as Fai's hand tightened around his own and the side of his body leaned against his. With a small nod towards the view of sky and sea from a head of golden hair Kurogane regrettably tore his eyes away from mischievous glint in the mages face as he realized what the man was doing. A pale hand slowly traced imaginary circles in the air with Kurogane's in his own, and slowly the grey sky opened up, mirroring the circles the mage and ninja were creating.

A brilliant sun revealed itself as Fai cleared away the sky of clouds with the simple swaying of his hand. Kurogane could feel a feather soft tingling emitting from the mages fingertips that were wrapped around his.

Once the sky was clear and the sun shone in all its beauty, Fai held onto the ninja's hand a second longer before letting go, "As a thank you."

Kurogane blinked at wizard's words, not a cloud in sight and he had cleared the sky in a matter of seconds. The man watched as Fai slowly walked into the thicket of the forest, making his way back to camp, "Thank you for what?" The ninja managed to choke out, finding himself lacking in breath.

Fai turned his head at his companion, raising a long finger to point at the upturned corners of his mouth, "for letting me see."

sSsSs

His nerves felt as if they were being torn apart slowly, agonizingly in the most sadistic and torturous way possible. He dragged his nails across the skin on his arms, trying to rip the pain away. He was aware of the eyes on him, weary with sympathy, one pair in particular that was sending silent apologies for their owner was the cause for the immense pain Fai was feeling. Blood red. Blood. He craved the vile liquid, why? He craved blood like a drunk craved wine. Blood was the substance of his nightmares, the blood that covered Fai, the real Fai's pale body when he was dropped down ten stories. The sick red that gushed from Ashura's victims. Why did he crave it?!

The pain began to stop until it was only a dull memory. Fai raised his head slowly, somehow aware that he was now only half of what he once was, and the remaining half was a monster. His now golden eyes met red ones, Kurogane was scared. Fearful of what he had just done, but there was a stubborn resolution in the warriors face. _You have made a mistake Kurogane. I'm afraid you have turned your enemy stronger. _Fai knew that the time was nearing, the reason why he was on this journey in the first place. His promise. The fate he was so dreading was closing in on him.

The magician felt the loose bandages on his face flutter against his sweaty skin as he collapsed and dove into the blackness of unconsciousness. Strong arms wrapped around Fai's slender frame as Kurogane just held him, each squeeze of his arms being a silent apology. The warrior ignored the people in the room that were witnessing the intimate embrace. _I promise you Fai, I will save you, make amends and bring you peace. Even if you despise me, I will stay beside you and protect you. Loving you has shown me the meaning of true strength. _Lifting him up, Kurogane took Fai to another room, watching the mage as he slept in an uneasy rest.

Fai woke, immediately sensing the overwhelming presence near him. _This can't go on. I have to break the relationship. He's gotten too close, they all have. I need to run away, again. It will be easier for them that way. Less painful. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry._

"Good morning, Kurogane."

Something broke deep within the warrior. Realizing what he thought had vanished the day his parents had been murdered. It was the first time in decades that he wanted to weep. He had lost, yet again, someone that was important to him. He raised his red eyes, looking into Fai's cold blue ones. Kurogane knew that he had to keep his feet firmly planted on the ground and not let the mage push him away yet again. Even if he was hated, he had to. Because as cold as those blue orbs were, there was still a small sliver of regret swirling with the other dark thoughts. Yes, he will not give up.

sSsSs

"Are you thirsty?" _Look at me. Look me in the eye. Smile, please?_

"No Kurogane, I'm fine." _Stop it, stop trying to break down the walls I so carefully built. Please stop, because I know if you don't, they will crumble. If it's anyone, it's you. You infuriating man, who forced your way into my heart and refused to leave even if I act cold, even if it looks as if I hate you. Which of course, I could never._

The warrior closed his eyes the block away the headache that was threatening to come. Fai hadn't drunken since the fiasco in Tokyo, surely he was starving but the magician was as stubborn as always. He took out a small knife hidden in the folds of his boot, placing the blade on his tan skin, ready to slice open.

"Stop!" Fai seethed, swiftly walking over to the ninja and hitting the blade from his hands. _You have gone too far Kurogane, this ends now my dear. _

Kurogane was startled by the fierce anger that Fai erupted suddenly. Fai grabbed a handful of the other man's shirt and pushed him against the wall roughly. Fingernails extending into deathly claws and blue turned to predatory gold.

"Leave me alone." Came the low hiss, pale fists clenching into the warriors chest before relaxing and going limp altogether. "Please. Leave me alone." Fai's head dropped into the crook of the ninja's neck, shaking softly as he realized his resolve was fading.

"You know I never will." Kurogane caressed the golden head of hair tenderly, feeling small tears drip onto his neck. Small sobs erupted from the mage as thin arms wrapped around the ninja's torso, clinging onto the man as if his life depended on it. Maybe it did.

Kurogane knew that Fai's eye had turned back to blue as the vampire claws turned back into fingernails. The taller man wrapped his arms around Fai in return. He didn't know which beating heart was who's, or if he would ever be able to hold the mage like this again. But in that moment, the world didn't matter; they were there, they were together, and it was the most beautiful moment of both of their lives.

Fai's sobs silenced eventually, turning into labored breathing that tickled Kurogane's skin. The two men stayed in each other's embrace, reveling in the feeling of two beings as opposite as Fai and Kurogane clinging onto one another for dear life. The warrior knew the sweet moment was over though when he felt Fai tense under his arms, fists unclenching from the warriors clothes and slowly dropping to his sides.

_What right do I have to ask for his kindness, or seek it? I will murder him one day, his eyes will look at my in hate and sorrow as I plunge his own sword into his stomach. What right do I have? _"Wait." Fai tensed even more as Kurogane's arms tightened around his slim frame, much to comforting and kind, "Please, let's just stay like this for a while. Then you can go back to hating me, just stay, please." Kurogane's plea softened the mage as he slowly wound his arms back around his companion. The two stayed like that as the sun set from a fiery red to the inky night. They grew weary, tired and exhausted. But not even that made them want to move away from one another, because they knew that once they did; things would return back to the hateful normal that ruined their relationship and ate away at their souls. So, for now: they stayed in each other's arms, hoping tomorrow would never come.

But of course, it always did.

sSsSs

It's funny how planned life seems. From the moment we are brought into this world it is as if an invisible force has already decided our past, present and future and all that is left for us is to let the strings lead our puppet selves along. Is there ever any free will? Are _we _ever really free? Can there ever be a life that is not chained to some hidden prophecy that is only known to the person once it is too late to change? Can there ever be freedom?

sSsSs

Fai felt something happening. He knew it was time; he would soon complete the task he had promised to do decades ago. The wizard grasped the sword in his hands, knuckles going white at how tightly he was holding the weapon. Everyone was too distracted to notice the man, slowly advancing on the princess with the promise of murder in his eyes. The ring of metal sliding against metal echoed in the air, Kurogane turned his head, eyes questioning but no one moved.

Fai swung the unsheathed sword and struck. A horrific scream broke all silence as Fai plunged the blade into Sakura's heart. The wizard screamed again and again, he looked into light green eyes to see not hate or regret but understanding so wise a child should not possess. Her hand caressed his tear stained cheek, murmuring soft comforts as she bled out onto the ground. Syaoran and Kurogane couldn't process what was happening, this was the moment and as Fai pulled the sword out of Sakura's small body he knew that they were next.

But something stopped him; Sakura spoke the words that Fai thought he would never hear in his painfully long life. She disappeared into multiple fragments and was gone. That Sakura was gone, and the other was waiting. Cold realization washed over the two men who now turned their heads from the sky to see the trembling mage. Fai clutched the sword to his chest, sobs breaking into hysterical shouts after every moment or so.

Yuko appeared not long after, explaining what had just happened in more detail. She explained the curses that Fai suffered from, the fate that would have occurred if Sakura had not made her deal with the Dimensional Witch. Kurogane listened as she said that Fai would have killed Sakura then Syaoran, himself and then, so heartbroken and devastated, he would plunge that very sword into his own heart, because the thought of loving after losing the only people that ever showed him friendship and love was simply unthinkable.

It was over, Sakura was gone, and now the group was just the three of them with Mokona. Fai still lay on the ground, repeating hyperventilated apologies to whoever cared to listen. Kurogane's heart clenched. He now knew why the mage had been so aloof, so secretive. Every smile was a barrier not to protect himself, but to protect the group; because if one of them ever broke through and touched that oh- so protected heart, it would be the biggest betrayal.

Fai stopped himself from loving or forming connections that portrayed anything close to warmth because from the very beginning he was cursed with misery. He gave comfort and friendship to the princess who had forgotten all of her loved ones. He offered friendship and eased the pain of Sakura's lack of memories to Syaoran. And he taught Kurogane that strength is not the amount of blood that is spilled, but how far you're willing to go to protect the people you love. Fai had made a family out of a group of people that couldn't be more different. He willingly gave his eye to the other Syaoran, because he knew that even if he sold his soul, the first curse would terrorize him for the rest of his existence.

"Get up."

Fai still shook in agony, gold head in pale hands.

"I said get up."

The magician raised his head slowly, eyes trying to tear away from Kurogane's burning gaze that always left him feeling bare and exposed. A tan arm extended itself, revealing a hand in front of Fai's nose, "You were given another chance, take it and live. I'll help you. Just don't give up."

The wizard of Celes took the warrior of Nihon's hand, a silent promise being made as the group departed. _I'll always be here. _Kurogane squeezed the smaller hand in his and he swore he felt Fai mirror the act.

sSsSs

Fai still cried as Ashura bled out onto the floor. He still cried even when the man told him tears shouldn't be shed for him. Fai still cried because he realized that he had lost the only man who remotely resembled a father, because he had lost the person that saved him that day all those years ago. He cried because as Ashura died slowly, caressing Fai's cheek weakly, there was love in those black orbs. And Fai finally understood, Ashura loved him so dearly that he was willing and became the villain of this tragic story. Because he loved Fai much too dearly to let Fai drown in the pool of despair. He died so Fai could live, and Fai shed tears because he now understood this, and he wished that he had savored the moments with his king more dearly.

"Thank you Ashura."

The king closed his eyes, a peaceful smile on his lips , "No Fai, thank you."

sSsSs

Kurogane shifted his remaining arm around as Tomoyo spoke to him, the phantom limb itching to be remembered again.

"You may come in now." This grasped Kurogane's attention as Tomoyo stood to leave the room, sending a suggestive smirk at her ninja. Kurogane mentally swore at her as he watched her depart from the room, leaving an all too obvious air of innuendo for the warrior to bask in. Red eyes looked up to see Fai walk in, he seemed tired as he dragged his feet across the carpet to get closer to his friend. With a soft _click _the door was shut and Fai stood in front of his companion. Just stood. Waiting for something. Kurogane expected him to be mad, for someone as self-deprecating as Fai, something as minor as sacrificing a lock of hair let alone an entire limb was bound to seem asinine to the silent wizard.

"Oi! Whats w-"

Fai had a strong punch. And not to mention a shit eating smirk on his face. _Damn, _thought Kurogane,_ finally: he's back._

"Why you bastard!" Kurogane wore a smirk to match Fai's, "You're gonna get it."

"We'll see, Kuro-sama."

_He's back, thank God. I've missed him. _

The ninja moved aside to give room for Fai to sit down next to him. The wizard peeked a glance at Kurogane's side where his arm used to be, not remorse or pity in his eyes much to the warriors gratitude, worry was evident however.

"You gave up your arm, for me."

Fai looked up and Kurogane noticed just how close their faces were, a black eye brow raised as Kurogane tried not to get lost in blue eyes that held so much emotion he himself felt like sobbing and laughing at the same time.

"Really Kuro-sama, what's a ninja with only one arm?"

The ninja swiftly wrapped a hand on the back of Fai's head and pulled the wizard in for a smouldering kiss, showing exactly what he could do with only one arm. Fai returned the gesture with an equal amount of vigor, displaying his silent and unnecessary apology and gratitude with his lips as a shimmering tear fell from sea blue eyes. Blonde eyebrows furrowed in the middle and more tears slipped out, the two parted with heavy breathes and erratic heart beats and just held onto each other. Fai's head nestled on the ninja's chest as a tan hand ran races through the long blonde strands. Kurogane felt a small part of his clothes go wet with tears as he let the wizard let go of all the pain he had been clutching onto, pain was all he had but now he finally has a chance to experience the warmer side of being alive. It's overwhelming, daunting, and enchantingly beautiful.

The two sat there in silence, eventually falling asleep in each other's arms. Feeling like the strokes of a sunny color was finally being drawn onto the painting of their lives. Kurogane finally found the one thing that would make him the strongest man alive and Fai at last found and accepted the love that he now knew he deserved.

The sun and the moon were together at long last. What shall happen to the pair? No one is certain. Forces may try and tear the two apart, for things are envious of all that is beautiful. But they will fight, and have never stopped fighting. Because they've tasted paradise, and it's everything they dreamed of and more.

sSs **The End** sSs


End file.
